My bare soul on the paper

Today's post is going to be a bit more on the dark side if I can say that. It's not going to be all happy and full of life and what I want to achieve. Today I want to talk about my insecurities and things that scare me to death about life and about the future.

I'm a very anxious person. I hate being thrown into situations where I don't know anyone, but have to be there because the person who invited me means a lot to me. I hate starting conversation with people that make me feel inferior. I tend to close myself up, and just stand there, listening to them, but not contributing to the conversation in anyway. So it often happens that I remember people I've met, but they don't remember me because I am a shadow of a person when I am thrown into a group of people. If I am forced to talk with someone one-on-one it's much more comfortable and I open up quickly, but when there's a group of people I often find myself lost for words. Honestly, it's like my brain doesn't function anymore, it just shuts down.

Especially lately I've been feeling out of place. Even thought I want to achieve things, even though I know what I want my next step to be, it all seems impossible. I listen to people, I listen to what they have to say and I just feel soooooo dumb. And it scares me!

I'm afraid that I am not smart enough to achieve things I've set out for myself. I am afraid that I am stuck in this life and I don't have much to offer. I am afraid that I am not interesting enough. I am afraid that I will spend my whole life being someone ordinary, being someone who does things as a part of their routine, and in the end I'll look back on life and realise I was so anti-social, so anti-talented, so anti-everything that I didn't amount to much at all.

Maybe it's because I am surrounded with people who are smart, outstanding, and I am barely average. Maybe it's because they are all good at physics, and maths, and chemistry, and all I do in school is daydream. Maybe it's because what I like to do isn't something that could be considered a job. Maybe it's because there isn't a single subject in school with which I've completely fallen in love with. Maybe it's the pure pressure of society that people who are well educated are the only ones who really matter. Or maybe it's just me, another ordinary person getting lost in the system.